Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Day 1 & 2 ...

Energy, energy, energy .... I am so loving this & I am only on day 2! This time I am mentally there & ready to go even farther. Had a great interval training session today. Oh man almost hurled twice & yes I loved it!!! I was staring at the track the whole time on the elliptical. I remember running my sprints & I really wanted to go there too! I really, really, really, wanted to but held myself back. I am in no "condition" to start that yet. Key word condition ... I am waiting until I have at least 4 weeks of conditioning under my belt before I hit the sprints. I will start early morning bleachers & suicides & plyo's in about 4 weeks. Wohooo I am so excited about these. I know I am going to feel like a tank at first, but I will be back to my stealth self again. I am so excited!!!

I am feeling great can you tell? During my hellish cardio session I had a realization. I am certainly a bit smarter about my training this go around. I went through 2 years of doing my own thing, to having the help of a trainer, to reading & trying out training programs. So much that it made my head explode. I wouldn't trade any of it though because I am a much smarter person now. I am not going to go absolutely nuts & kill myself until my body is physically ready to go there. The important thing is to listen to my body & to be very kind to myself mentally too. So thats what I thought about whilst killing myself on the elliptical. I am a multi tasker what can I say. I actually have some really great thoughts while doing cardio. Hahaha!

Diet is going great!


Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Happiest I Ever Was ....

Lately, I have been doing a lot of reflection on my past & when I was the happiest? I am pretty sure it is because I have been feeling not very happy lately. The old "T" would have been diving into bad habits to try & self medicate into happiness. Which we all know is "NOT" happiness! But, thank God for family & a child! You can't do that!!!! So, for once in my life I am being smart about it. I have been talking to my dear friend Nikki, with whom I've been estranged from over the past couple of years, & its been great! Enlightening actually. I have really missed our friendship, true friendship. I have been very lonely over the past couple of years since we stopped hanging out. Yea, I would go out with other friends & stuff, but it's not the same. Nikki & I know so much about each other. We don't judge each other, but we are good enough friends to call each other out when one is behaving badly. The best part is we don't get offended when one calls the one out. We take a step back & say hey your right thanks for putting me in check. We did healthy things together i.e working out, going to Town Lake, just hanging out. We would go out & party every now & then which always led to some interesting laughs the next day. Nothing to out of control though. That leads me to when we were close friends we never did get "out of control" in bad ways .... we were out of control when it came to dieting & working out ... and really is that such a bad thing???? Addicted to being healthy??? Seriously! I know it drove my husband crazy, but I think everything I do drives my husband crazy. I can't win in that department. Thats a whole other can of worms.

Which leads me too, Nik & I have been talking a lot more over the past few months. She has actually been like a therapist & much cheaper *lol*. Actually, I have 2 therapist ... another friend whom I speak to everyday a few times a day. She is also one of my very close friends whom I could not live without. Unfortunately, she lives far away & we are lucky to meet for a quick lunch once a week. Something I always look forward too. Ok back to Nikki ... I have had coffee & have not written in a long time so this might just be a little bit scattered brained ramblings, so please forgive me. If anyone really reads this thing at all?? Well, since Nik & I have been talking, I have gone through a few episodes of depression since quitting my job teaching riding. I have gained about 10 lbs. & no matter what every Monday I would try to start some fitness plan & healthy eating & I kept falling on my face. Nik said I really needed to dissect what in the hell is really the root of all of this behavior. Oh wise one ... I just thought it was laziness, or lack of discipline. Nope thats not what is holding me back. Here is the stuff I came up with.

* Lonely
* Unhappy w/
- My body
- My brain
- Not good enough
-Feelings of Failure

* Unworthiness

There is a whole slew of other things. I really don't feel like getting into them. Like letting others dictate the way I feel about myself etc... Seriously after dissecting all of this .. I was like where in the heck is the OLD T??????? The one who did not give a f*%$ about what most people thought & would tell them so? Where was the "T" that would easily stand up for herself if being treated badly by someone? Where was the "T" that laughed & smiled A LOT? Where was that crazy, goofy, confident person???? I don't know where she went but, I plan on finding her again.

Now that we got that out of the bag I feel so much better! So moving in a more positive direction. I am going to take control of my life & do things that make me feel good about myself & who I am. I am going to surround myself with people who lift me up & not push me down. I am also going to make a commitment to myself in my fitness to get back to the person I used to be & even better. I have already started to make positive choices in my food choices. Also, conditioning myself to not be an emotional eater. This is the hardest. I feel unworthy so I eat .. in the end it makes me feel even worse. I feel shitty so I eat ... I feel lonely I turn to my friend the pantry. See when I was younger I would solve this by doing very unhealthy things to stay thin. Days without eating ... then eating. Oh there are so many other things I did to punish myself. I don't even want to go there.

So I am starting ... again ... on Monday ... a 12 week program to better my body & self. I was going to enter a contest, but I think it's best for me to do this completely for myself & myself only. I have done so many contests & because I am a competitive person I would base all of my success on how I did in the contest. And we all know how subjective something as transforming your body is! So I was always let down in the end & unhappy with my success if I did not even place or gain recognition in the contests. So this is my own personal challenge with myself.

I will be blogging & I won't be holding back. I will blog every emotional up & down ... every cheat ... every feeling .. all of it.

Till next time ...